I feel it’s safe to say that more often than not, being a parent is a thankless job. From the moment our children are born they are learning. As is in life, much of that learning occurs through trial and error, but our children also learn by observing, asking questions, and through our interactions with them and the conversations we have with them. We want our children to be successful, live happy lives, and have the inner strength to endure any challenges they might face. We can’t predict how they will turn out, or what their lives will be like once they are on their own; all we can do is provide them with a foundation of core principles and values, and set the best example we can for them.
Raising my daughters, I’ll admit, I was probably more strict and disciplinary with them compared to many of their friend’s parents. Growing up, my daughters were expected to say “please” and “thank you”, and “yes/no sir” and “yes/no ma’am”… not because I have an ego or some sort of Napoleon complex, but because I wanted them to be polite and respectful towards others. Basically, just good human beings. When they were young, if either of them got in trouble, I would tell them to stand against the wall – facing it with their hands behind their back. It wouldn’t matter if we were at home, in public, or at a friends house, if they got in trouble, that was what would happen. Whenever it occurred in public, those instances seemed to be the most effective in correcting their behavior because they would realize other people were watching them get in trouble. After each instance and the discipline period was over, I would call them over to me and I would get down on a knee and ask them if they knew why they were told to stand against the wall. I did this for a couple of reasons… first, I got down on a knee to be more at their level because I didn’t want them to think I was talking down to them; and being more at their level is less intimidating and lets them know the discipline is over. Second, I would ask them why they were told to stand against the wall because in doing so, they had to verbally explain what they had done that they shouldn’t have. It was important that they understood why they got in trouble so they could learn from it. Every time, when it was over, I would give them a hug and tell them I’m not mad at them, lets put it behind us and go back and have a good time.
As my daughters got older, the occurrences of them having to stand against a wall became fewer and fewer. There were even times when we would be in public and one of my daughters would see another child misbehaving and would say to me, “I bet you’re glad I’m not acting like that.” And I would jokingly reply, “And I bet you’re glad you’re not standing against the wall.” Usually, we would share a smile and laugh a little to each other as we continued about our business.
My oldest daughter is now on her own, but we communicate fairly frequently… at least as much as we can considering she is in the military. After she completed basic training and got to her unit, she would call me several times a week as she was going through all of the in-processing activities. Most of the time it was to let me know movers would contact me about picking up her personal items, or how to contact her if there was ever a family emergency and she was deployed. As soon as her in-processing was completed, she was deployed for 30 days. During that time I only heard from her a couple of times when she was allowed to use a “morale” computer to send an email. She could never say much or give any details, but I could sense her pride and eagerness to do her best. She has been at her unit almost six months now and absolutely loves it. She says she couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
Now that my daughter is back at her unit, she has more free time and I hear from her about once a week. Recently she called and was excited to tell me about what she had done financially. She went into detail about how she was budgeting her money, had been putting most of her pay into savings, and even started contributing to a retirement account. I told her it sounded like she was making a lot of smart decisions, but that it wasn’t necessary for her to give me so much personal detail about her finances. I tried to tell her she is now an adult and that she doesn’t need to explain to me how she spends or manages her money. She said she knew that, but only that she was really proud of how much she had managed to save and that she was already saving for her retirement. I told her I was proud of her, proud for so many reasons, and that she was off to a great start in establishing financial security for her future. And then, she gave me the best compliment I could receive as a parent. She said, “I learned it all from you. You taught me a lot and pushed me to do my best.” Hearing her say that gave me a sense of inner peace. There will come a time when I am no longer here and I won’t be able to provide fatherly advice, to listen when she just wants to talk, to comfort her during her setbacks, or share in her accomplishments. But I have comfort in knowing, no matter what life presents to her, she will be ok.