Parenting can be one of the most rewarding experiences while also being one of the most frustrating experiences. One aspect that is often overlooked are the countless silent sacrifices we make for our children. From the moment we become a parent, our desire for “me time” takes a back seat. We find ourselves doing things we never imagined… both voluntarily and involuntarily. At times, we might think these sacrifices are annoying inconveniences, or irritating frustrations; but that would be a flawed perspective. Instead, we should view them as opportunities to bond with our children. These can be opportunities to share in their interests, support their activities, and encourage them to explore new things.
When it comes to our children and the sacrifices we make, the “easy” days seemed to be before they started school. During those years things were simpler. No homework to help with, no after school practices, or school functions… which usually seem to conflict with work. However, once in school, the level of “sacrifice” seems to increase 10-fold… but it happens gradually. It starts with school plays, then maybe boys scouts/girl scouts, then add organized sports, and it just keeps going. And don’t get me started on the seemingly endless number of school fundraisers…
One area that seemed to consume a large portion of time for me was helping my daughters with their homework. My oldest daughter has dyslexia and homework was often a struggle for her. I spent countless hours helping her work through various class assignments. This often resulted in late nights for us because it would take her a while to grasp the material. As for my youngest daughter, she challenges herself academically by loading up on advanced placement or Honors level classes. When she comes to me for help with homework, more often than not, I end up scratching my head. When did they change how to solve math problems?
I attempted to help my youngest daughter with her math the way I was taught. Little did I know, for years apparently I had been doing math all wrong. My efforts to help her fell into the “failure” column. Even though my final solution was correct, I didn’t “do it” the right way according to her. It seems now there are several unnecessary “required” steps before you’re allowed to get to the correct answer. After that experience, I spent several evenings becoming proficient at searching online for how to “solve” various math problems.
Helping with homework is not the only area where my “assistance” is requested. This academic year she seems to have broken out of her shell and has developed a social life. Suddenly she has more of a desire to do things with friends after school and on weekends. Of course I’m all for this. For a while I have been encouraging her to engage more with her friends. She isn’t much into sports, but this year she has attended several school football games. When I asked about her sudden interest, she said it’s to support her friends who are in the school band.
With this newly developed social life, I’m also being asked to chauffeur her around more. She has been putting off getting her driver’s license, but now realizes the benefits it can offer. Since she doesn’t yet have her license or a job, this new social life means I’m now spending more money. I’ve also realized with the changes in her social life, I’m also making more adjustments to my schedule in order to be more supportive. I don’t say yes to every request because she needs to maintain balance between her friends/activities and responsibilities at home. I also recognize that if she just stays home, she ends up retreating to her room on her phone all day.
As a result of these changes, I’ve had to re-evaluate the balance I have for myself. There are times when I would like to work on a home project or tinker with some technology. Of course, when those occasions do occur, invariably the “Hey dad, is it ok if…” question pops up. Then there is the financial aspect. For a while I’ve been squirreling away as much as I can for construction of my next home. Every time my daughter asks to go to a school game, a movie with friends, or just meet up with friends… it almost always requires giving her some money. I feel like I got off easy if she only needed $30.00 when she asks to do something with friends.
We haven’t had the conversation yet, but I’m thinking of establishing a set “activities” budget for her. It will help her prepare for managing money once she’s on her own. Also, having a consistent expense item amount will help eliminate the feeling like I’m constantly being asked for money.
I’m not trying to sound like a miser, I just have to adjust to this new environment and find balance. Recently she asked if she could go to a concert. I could sense there was a condition to her request because of how she asked. It turned out that I also needed to go because she isn’t 18. So not only was I buying two concert tickets, but I was also going to a concert I would not go to otherwise. It had been several years since I went to a concert and I wasn’t prepared for how expensive everything was.
Between the concert tickets, event parking, and souvenir merchandise, I could have bought a round-trip airline ticket to the east coast. Not to mention, by the time the concert was over and we got back home, it was almost midnight. Geez, I sound like an old man… oh, wait….
Speaking of the east coast, my oldest daughter who is in the military was recently transferred. Prior to reporting to her new duty station, she attended an advanced training course while enroute to her new unit. As her graduation date approached, she asked if I would be able to attend. She was getting promoted during the graduation ceremony and wanted me to pin on her new rank. This meant I had to buy airline tickets, get a rental car and hotel room.
After she graduated, she came home for a few days, and asked if I would drive with her to her new duty station. Of course I said yes. She had never driven cross-country before. Heck, she never owned a car before and bought one while home on leave. I had just been on the east coast for her graduation and now I was heading back there again. The drive took us a little over 28 hours, and after getting her settle with housing after arriving, I was back at the airport on my way home. In one month I went to a concert, made two airline trips, and drove cross-country.
Circling back to establishing my balance. When my daughters were younger, time for myself didn’t seem to be something that crossed my mind much. I was emersed with being a dad and the things I did with them and for them didn’t seem like sacrifices to me. I would go out of my way to make myself available for them. To me, it was opportunities to make memories with them and let them know they could depend on me.
I recognize the importance and value these recent activities have had with my daughters. They were meaningful events for each of them, just in different ways. For my youngest daughter, she recognized that had I not agreed to go, she wouldn’t have been able to go either. Even though it wasn’t a group I was familiar with, I got to share that experience with her and share in something that she enjoys. It also showed her that I was willing to set aside my personal preferences in order to do something she enjoys.
Regarding my oldest daughter, deciding to join the military was a major life decision. Her graduating from advanced training was a career milestone and it was important that I be there. As for the cross-country road trip, that was just the right thing to do for several reasons. I was able to spend more time with her that I wouldn’t have been able to otherwise. Granted, I estimate about half of that time she was asleep in the passenger seat… but it was still time together. Besides, with her work environment, I’m not sure when I will have an opportunity to see her again.
Lately I feel as though I’ve needed to make more adjustments than I’ve been accustom to. I’m reaching a point where I can retire at any time and I’m trying to accelerate my preparation for when I do. Yet, at times I feel like I’m sliding backwards in those efforts when I’m not able to save as much as I’d like. When I’m not able to achieve my monthly savings goal I get a bit frustrated. I almost feel as though I’m running on a treadmill and the goal is just out of reach.
When I start feeling like that, I remind myself to take a step back and look at the bigger picture. These opportunities with my daughters are becoming fewer as they get older. As much as I want to focus on my goals and saving for my next house, I recognize there are sacrifices that are more important that I still need to make. I will eventually reach my goal and when that time comes, I have no doubt I’ll be presented with a new set of sacrifices. I just try to remind myself that life is good and even if reaching my goal is delayed, I’m at least enjoying the journey… and that’s what really matters.