Having a solid relationship with my daughters has always been important to me. As I’ve raised them, I felt it was important to provide an environment that was a balance between clearly understood parent/child role boundaries, and an environment where they could feel comfortable talking with me about any topic or concern. As they become adults, and embark on their own journeys in life, I want them to know I’m here for them if they ever need….
My oldest daughter has ventured off on her own journey, and now it is only me and my youngest daughter. For a little over a year it seemed as though my relationship with my youngest daughter had been growing increasingly distant. I first noticed this was occurring when she started her final year of junior high school. During that year she preferred to stay in her room a majority of the time, and when she would spend time in the living room, she would be immersed with her cell phone. In the beginning, I made repeated attempts to interact with her and to get her to engage in activities or conversation. In almost every instance the outcome was the same… her not being interested, or wanting to return to her room. I wasn’t concerned about her being involved with drugs or alcohol, or hanging out with a bad group of kids because academically she was averaging A’s and B’s in all of her classes; and she wasn’t hanging out with other kids because I was picking her up after school and she rarely asked to do things with a friend on the weekends.
I came to the conclusion that she was at a phase in her life where she was not only going through physical changes, but she was also going through social changes as well… transitioning from junior high to high school; the last stage of her primary education. I didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable or feel like I was invading her privacy, so I gave her space and reminded her she could always come to me if/when she needed. Upon telling her this, she gave me what appeared to be a slight smile and said, “Ok.” and then disappeared back to her room.
Wanting to re-establish the interaction we had just a year prior, I began thinking of ways I could reach out to her without it seeming as though I was crowding her or forcing her to interact. I knew if I forced the issue, it would only cause her to pull away more; I wanted our interaction to be genuine and natural, and I recognized it would need to be on her terms… when she was ready. I also wanted her to know that she could share her interests with me and not to think that just because I am “old”, I wouldn’t be interested. I knew this wouldn’t happen overnight, and would be a slow process, but I was going to put in the effort….
I began my efforts with the typical parent interaction, asking her how her day had been when I picked her up from school. Initially I would get the standard, “Ok.” response from her. The school sends weekly emails to the parents, informing them of assignments and student progress, so I started incorporating that into my daily routine with her. After about a month, I noticed she started sharing more about her day with me when I would ask how she was doing on various class projects. This progressed to her showing me what she was working on before turning it in. This eventually opened the door to discuss the various assignments, what she found interesting about the assignment, what was challenging about it, if she needed any assistance, etc. This has since evolved into a natural interaction and with certain projects, she shows a genuine eagerness to share what she is working on.
Feeling as though I had rebuilt the initial foundation of our interaction, I didn’t want it to be primarily centered around school and her assignments, so I began to broaden my efforts. I have known for almost a year she has been listening to a Korean pop-music group, and she follows them on social media. I personally don’t understand her fascination with them because the lyrics are rarely in English, so unless you speak Korean, you don’t know what any of the songs are about. I mean beyond the fact she is a teenager and they are boys…. The irony of this situation caused me to have an, “Oh crap, I’m becoming my Dad.” moment. I recall when I was young, about her age, my Dad often commented about the music I listened to, saying it was noise and difficult to understand. When I think about his comments back then, I have to laugh a little because much of what I was listening to were artists and songs that were popular before I was born. With respect to my daughter, I never said the music she was listening to was just noise, but I did ask what she liked about it since it was mostly in Korean and she couldn’t understand the lyrics. She initially seemed hesitant to answer, but said it was mostly the rhythm and melodies that she enjoyed. She further explained that she would search online for translations of the lyrics so she would understand what the various songs were about. I saw her willingness to share her interest in the music as an opportunity to further build our reconnection. One day, while we were in the car running errands, I asked if she wanted to play some of her music through the car radio while we drove. She looked at me with a surprised expression and asked if I was serious. I told her we didn’t always of to listen to my music, and I was curious what some of her favorite songs were.
I feel this was a significant turning point because since that day, she has been more engaging with me. She openly shares with me the events of her day, she will message me from school to share a grade she received on a big class project, she tells me about the activities of the musical groups she listens to, and even occasionally asks me about how my work is going and the things I’m doing. There are still times when she prefers to retreat to her room, which I’m ok with because we all have times when we prefer to do our own thing.
As a parent, this has been a rewarding experience. Not only did we reconnect and build a new bond, but I feel we also strengthened old ones. We don’t always have to agree with, or understand why our children are interested in the things they are, but if we make an effort to share in their interests, we learn so much more about them we otherwise wouldn’t and they will grow to realize we are always there for them….