I have previously commented about how much I enjoy being a father. It is both the most rewarding and most challenging experience one could ever have. From the moment a child is born, we are responsible for every aspect of their safety, nurturing, character building, and overall development and transition into confident successful adults.
This journey with my daughters has been absolutely amazing. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t always been rainbows and Lolli-pops but I can say with confidence, the smiles, the laughter, and general goofiness we have created and shared together have far outweighed the frustration, sadness and tears.
Along the way I’ve tried my best to raise my daughters to be independent thinkers and to determine their own truths, and not just follow along with what seems popular at the time. As their father, the challenge has been finding that balance between being their protector and life coach, and when to sit back and watch them stumble in life due to their decisions I knew would not turn out as they had hoped… sometimes resulting in a painful life lesson. That balance will help my daughters in two ways: one, they will know I’m always there for them; to provide advice when requested; to comfort them when they have a bad day or feel as though their world is crumbling around them; to share their successes and joys, and so much more. Two, they will know there will be times when life feels like a kick in the teeth, but it’s not the end of the world, they will learn from it and the sun will rise again the next day. The truth is, without setbacks and failures, we don’t improve as people.
With my oldest daughter, finding that balance as her father has been a bit of a challenge. She grew up with a mother who has Borderline Personality Disorder, and from my readings about it, when there is more than one child in the household, the Borderline person will treat one as the favorite and another who is always at fault for things. From my own observations while I was married to their mother, I witnessed this on a regular basis. Looking back at that period of my life, I tried to act as a shield for my daughters to protect them from the emotional and verbal hostility of their mother. Watching my oldest daughter growing up, I could see the self doubt and lack of self confidence. It wasn’t until she made the decision to live with me full time this past January that she began to realize that not everything is her fault. She has since enlisted in the military and is about half way through basic training. Her journey to get to this point has been a challenge for both of us at times. Helping her to prepare prior to her departure, I could see instances when the self doubt and lack of self confidence would surface. At times I would get frustrated with her “I can’t” attitude and I eventually told her if that’s how she feels, then maybe she shouldn’t be enlisting. I told her the only person telling her she can’t is herself. This week will be one of the most difficult for her and if she passes her mid-cycle exams, she should stay on track to graduate as scheduled. When she does, she should have no doubts as to what she is capable of accomplishing in life… no matter the challenge, or how hard life kicks her in the teeth.
As for my youngest daughter, her journey so far has been the complete opposite. Her mother would rarely hold her accountable, and at times, would blame her older sister for what she had done. This has caused my youngest daughter to develop a bit of a lackadaisical attitude about things. I can see how the no rules and no accountability environment at her mother’s is affecting her. I don’t see much of a sense of urgency in her and she tends to procrastinate and needs to be reminded to do things. With her, I have to be more stern and explain to her that her actions (or lack of) have consequences. She only has a few more years of school and then she will be an adult and I’ve tried to explain she will need to decide what she wants to do in life. I don’t want her to think I’m nagging her because I can tell she doesn’t seem interested in talking about her future or what she might like to do after school. Finding that parental balance with her is a work in progress… I hope she doesn’t realize the consequences of her decisions/lack of decisions when it’s too late. My concern is that the environment at her mother’s, with the lack of rules and accountability, will cause her to become complacent and think she can do whatever she wants when she wants. Obviously as adults we know that isn’t the way life is and it could turn out to be a hard lesson for her to learn. However, every once in a while she will surprise me and show an interest in spending time with me and want to talk about things… and last night was one of those instances. She was curious about budgets and personal financial management and asking a bunch of questions. I didn’t ask what her reasons were, I was just glad she wanted to spend time together and talk. For now, all I can do is continue to provide structure and a consistent environment and hope she realizes I’m looking out for her best interests.
With my youngest, as she becomes an adult, I hope our relationship turns out to be more than just communicating around the holidays. I can’t force it and I won’t try, time will tell….