As parents our role is to be that of a provider, mentor, role model, teacher, counselor, protector, confidant (with boundaries), and “all other duties as assigned”. As a single father of two daughters this job description is amplified 10-fold; and being a “guy” means I will instinctively screw various aspects of this up from time to time.
By nature guys tend to be problem solvers; we try to excel at solving problems and fixing things… when we do it gives us an opportunity to beat our chest and grunt in pride… either physically or in our mind.
This primal caveman instinct comes to a crashing halt when it involves being a father to daughters. Daughters are just younger, smaller versions of women… many of the things that are important to them often make no sense to us because they involve what clothes are in style depending on what season it is, who is having relationship issues, or who is now dating so-in-so…. Our difficulty in “understanding” stems from the fact that rarely do any of those female/daughter issues ever require power tools, combustion engines, construction, anything electrical, or physically fixing something broken.
This now brings me to my point. Each evening I ask my daughters how their day was… what they enjoyed about it and what they would like to have had happen differently (philosophical perspective is a part of our environment). With my oldest daughter I began to notice a pattern… she would mention the same couple of “friends” and tell me about some disagreement (drama) that occurred between them or involving one of them. As time progressed I noticed her frustration increased; she appeared to be getting more involved in issues that didn’t directly involve her.
In the beginning I was being “Dad” and giving “advise” and offering suggestions on how to deal with the issues she was describing. As a father the last thing we want to see is one of our children struggle… more so when our child is a daughter. I know on the surface that might sound sexist but as a father it is a primal instinct because we are guys… accept it.
My daughter was telling me about what was going on between her friends and what she was doing and saying but it didn’t seem to improve things between them and I could tell she was frustrated. Being in full-on “Dad mode” I was offering advise and suggestions on how to approach things. After several weeks of hearing the same scenarios from my daughter and seeing her frustration continue I became frustrated because she seemed to be continuing down a path I suggested she avoid. I began to ask her why she was doing what she was when she knew going into it her “friends” were going to do and say exactly what she already knew they would do and say. I told her what she was experiencing was exactly what we had talked about would happen the last time she mentioned it and that her actions made no sense. Kind of like the saying, ‘Crazy is doing the same thing over and over again knowing what the outcome will be but expecting something different.’
As I was telling her what she was doing and saying was contributing to the frustrations she was telling me about, I could see the tears filling her eyes. Suddenly she interrupted me and said, “Dad! I just need you to listen right now.”
Wow, that was an incredible eye-opener. I had been so focused on being “Dad” and trying to “fix” things for her that I had missed the whole aspect that she was trying to “fix” it… it was just in a different way. I had completely missed that all she was needing was an ear. Sometimes as a Dad the best thing we can do is nothing at all and just listen.
We can’t fix all our children’s problems for them because otherwise how will they be prepared to deal with life when they are on their own… after all, life is full of challenges.
Remember that sometimes as a parent all we need to do is just listen.