How do we define happiness? If you ask ten different people to define happiness, odds are you’ll get ten different responses with varying degrees of similarity. All too often these definitions make references to material things that really only provide a short-term sense of happiness, and then become opportunities for disappointment and frustration. So if happiness comes at a cost, what exactly is that cost?
To put it simply, the cost of happiness is a matter of perspective. For some, having an expensive luxury car makes them “happy”; but for how long? We’ve all experienced that sense of “happiness” when we’ve gotten a new car… that sense of accomplishment and pride in having something new that is ours. Thinking about that excitement and sense of happiness, how long exactly did it last? A week, maybe two? Unless you were able to buy your new car without the need for a loan, the novelty of having that new car gradually fades and the reality of the loan sets in. Then there is the frustration and unpleasant feeling you experience when your new car gets its first scratch or dent.
When I look at my own life and evaluate my state of happiness, I am able to recognize the compromises/decisions I’ve made over the years in order to obtain the happiness I’ve been able to experience. Of course there have been occasions when I’ve been distracted by materialistic emotional happiness and have done things I’ve later scolded myself for having done… “That was silly, why did I spend money on that?” However, even in those instances, I view them as teaching points regarding patience, value judgement, and decision-making.
Reflecting back when I was married, a source of contention we delt with regarded responsible financial management. We both worked and earned a decent income, yet I proposed we should make financial decisions from the perspective that we were a single income household. My rationale was that we could never predict what might happen and that we shouldn’t put ourselves in a position that could result in a financial hardship for us. By doing so, we would have comfort in knowing that we could react to practically any event without worrying how it would impact us financially… which would reduce stress and increase happiness. Needless to say that was met with significant resistance. When it came to large purchases, my ex-wife frequently commented about how much money we had available to spend… which often included balances set aside in savings accounts. It was a frustrating topic of discussion and it wasn’t uncommon for me to notice balance transfers from our savings accounts because she had bought something and didn’t want to “user her money”, as she would put it. The irony is, shortly after my divorce was finalized (almost a decade ago), and despite paying child support, I noticed I had more financial stability and flexibility than when I was married… resulting in increased happiness due to less stress.
Divorce is always a significant life event and is often a financial and emotional tornado, specially if there are children involved. The happiness resulting from my divorce came at a cost, not just financially. I was no longer able to be with my daughters on a daily basis, and in the early years, my ex-wife had even blocked my phone number, preventing me from contacting my daughters. Despite only being with my daughters 50% of the time, the time we did spend together was so much more enjoyable than before the divorce. We were able to spend time together in an environment free of hostility and verbal attacks, and the result of that was physically visible on my daughters. I know there were times when it was difficult for my daughters… going between home environments, but I hope in the future my daughters will be able to recognize the costs they paid were worth the happiness we have been able to experience.
Continuing to reflect, when I purchased my current home, I explained to my daughters that we could of had a larger, more expensive home, but we didn’t need one. At the time they were much younger and I explained to them that a more expensive home comes with additional costs… higher mortgage, higher utilities, higher insurance, etc. I told them, by having a more modest home, we have more financial flexibility and won’t be a prisoner to the mortgage. Having a more modest home allows the flexibility to do more things and go more places together. As they have grown, they have been able to see and experience the benefits that have resulted. This same perspective and mindset was also applied when I purchased my car. I could have purchased a new car with numerous bells and whistles, but I questioned why spend so much money on something that I would only use while driving to/from work and running errands. Instead, I opted for a pre-owned car and instantly benefited by having a “new” car and no car payment… not to mention, once COVID hit and working from home, it would have been a poke in the eye had I bought a new car and had a loan payment for something that has sat in the garage almost 90% of the time for the past three years.
Recently I’ve had several opportunities to apply for supervisory positions where I work. Like a majority of other non-service industry related businesses, we went into a 100% remote work environment when COVID hit. The ironic thing is, every aspect of what I do could have been done remotely prior to the pandemic. I have an IT related job and interact with and manage data systems that are located in other states or are now “cloud based”, so essentially I was working remote before the pandemic, I was just doing it from an office. When I collaborate with co-workers, a majority of them are located in different states throughout the U.S., so again, when I was going to the office I was having remote meetings. Heck, I was even having “remote meetings” with other co-workers who were located in the same building, just on different floors… via Microsoft Teams meetings.
Now that the pandemic has been deemed over, my organization has implemented a return to work plan. Non-supervisors were given the option to select if they would like to return to the office or continue to work remote. Supervisors on the other hand are required to work from the office. As you can imagine, this has caused a bit of a stir. A majority of the supervisors have questioned why they are required to go to the office when most, if not all of their staff are working remote. Not to mention, as an organization we have proved for the past three years we can accomplish our tasks and increase productivity while 100% remote. Just this past week it was announced that a new supervisor has been assigned to our section… the supervisor is located in Washington DC and my section is located in Texas… help me understand why our supervisor must report to the office when 100% of the staff are physically located in a different state.
Now that you have a general picture of my organization’s work environment conditions, you will understand why I’ve opted to not pursue a supervisory position. Prior to COVID when I was required to go to the office, the drive would average an hour each way due to the traffic, and it wasn’t uncommon for the commute to take almost two hours if there were accidents along the way. This had been a significant challenge when it came to picking my daughters up from school in the afternoon. My daughters didn’t have the option to take the bus to school because the school district implemented a two-mile radius policy in an effort to cut costs. Anyone outside of the two-mile radius had to provide their own means of transportation for their children. My daughters would get out of school at 3:45 and 4:00 PM, and with an hour commute, it required that I leave the office no later than 2:45 in order to pick them up in time… baring there weren’t any accidents along the way. Once schools opened back up, I was still working remote so getting my daughter to and from school became a non-issue since it is only a 10 – 15 minute commute from our house to her school. Having been able to work remote these past few years has resulted in an incredible improvement to the quality of life, not only for me, but my daughters as well. My oldest daughter has struggled with dyslexia, and during her senior year she was 100% remote. This was extremely beneficial for her since I was also working remote. I was able to take intermittent breaks during the day to assist/tutor her. The advantage this had for her became evident in her quiz and test scores. My youngest daughter has never really struggled with school so she was eager to get back to the classroom.
Sorry for rambling… returning back to the topic, if I were to pursue a supervisory position I would receive a decent pay increase, but I would be required to return to the office every day. When I consider the other factors associated with accepting a supervisor position, the list of negatives out-weigh the positives. I am not willing to compromise my ability to be available for my youngest daughter, or compromise the quality of life we have experienced since I’ve been working remote. Being able to work remote has allowed us to spend more time together… which is getting shorter as she gets closer to graduating. Why would I want to do something that reduces our time together?
Maintaining not only my, but also my daughter’s happiness comes at the cost of passing up a supervisor position and the pay increase that would come with it. The pay increase would be nice, but I’m not willing to forfeit our happiness for money. Being a supervisor isn’t what’s important to me… being a dad and available for me daughter is. When I consider the “costs of happiness” with respect to the quality of life and experiences I have had, and been able to provide my daughters, it has been a small price to pay.