As parents we don’t really have a lot of time to raise and teach our kids to not be idiots before they are out in the world on their own. If you think about it, from the time our kids are about 6 months old, their first year of “parental teaching” primarily consists of the word “No!” We use it for anything and everything we don’t want them to do or what they are doing at that particular moment we disapprove of.
Once our kids are at an age where they are able to form sentences and have a dialogue (though it may be limited) we as parents can begin teaching them things we hope will result in them being productive and successful members of society. Granted, those teachings will only be as good as the source….
If we think of our own earliest memories and use that as a reference, how far back are we able to recall? For myself, I can recall vague bits and pieces from either preschool or first grade…. so maybe around the age of 5?
Using the age of 5 as a starting point and continuing until graduation from high school which is roughly 17-18 years old, we are only looking at 12, maybe 13 years before our kids have the potential to be off on their own. Twelve to 13 years isn’t very long when you consider how much of that time our kids are occupied with other things… at school, involved with sports, sleeping at night, etc. On an average weekday if you leave for work between 6 – 7 am and don’t get home until 5 – 7 pm and your kids go to bed between 8 – 9… maybe 10 depending on their age; that only gives you about 4 or 5 hours of interaction with your kids. Of those 4 or 5 hours how much of that is spent getting ready in the morning, cooking dinner in the evening, the kids doing homework and getting cleaned up before bed?
As I raise my daughters I am extremely mindful of this limited about of time I have with them which is further reduced since they spend every other week at their moms. My daughters and I have frequent conversations, I try to find that balance of being a teacher to them and providing guidance, yet not dictating necessarily the actual choices they make. Part of our learning process in life results from our failures and the mistakes we make… if we never fail at anything or make a mistake what do we ever really learn? When it comes to making decisions I tell my daughters to be objective when considering the factors related to those decisions and try to avoid being subjective. When we include subjective factors into our decision making process, we are allowing opinion, personal value judgments, and emotions to influence our decision. When we include those subjective factors we increase the chances of making poor decisions.
My goal is to give my daughters a variety of tools that they can use throughout their lives to help them be strong, self-confident, independent, and successful. I often use my own life as examples in the hopes they will avoid some of the mistakes I’ve made but also recognize some of the successes. We talk about our environment and the things we have compared to other people… we don’t have a luxury vehicle and I ask them, “Do we need one?” I say to them our house isn’t as big as many of the others in our neighborhood; could I have bought a bigger, more expensive house? Of course, but do we need a bigger more expensive house? I explain to them that if we had a bigger, more expensive house all of the associated costs would also be more… the mortgage payment, homeowner’s insurance, property taxes, utilities, maintenance, etc. The same would be true if we had a luxury vehicle. I tell them if we had those things we would have less financial flexibility and fewer opportunities to do the things we have been able to do and enjoy. I tell them I would much rather spend that money on the trips we’ve taken and places we’ve visited instead of being a prisoner to a mortgage and other debts and having to spend our time always stuck at home.
Our “personal value judgment” is that experiences are worth more than the material objects. The house could be damaged or destroyed by a storm or fire and we could lose most, if not everything in it. The vehicle could be stolen or involved in an accident. We don’t truly own much of anything when you think about it. It could all be taken from us at any given moment. I stress the importance of taking care of what you do have so it will last as long as possible, but try not to get overly emotionally tied to things. By having these discussions my hope is that my daughters will make smarter decisions and not take themselves down a path that leads to a life lived in debt and false happiness.
The experiences and memories will last a lifetime while the material things will come and go….