How often do we say we’re sorry? Probably more often than we realize… but do those apologies have genuine meaning or are they even the appropriate response? Are they mostly automatic reactionary responses to situations? For instance, you round a corner while shopping and your cart cuts off another shopper coming in the opposite direction; you automatically respond with, “I’m sorry.” Or, while standing in line at some business, you accidentally bump into another person also waiting in line, again, you automatically respond with, “Sorry.” In these instances, did you intentionally cut off the other shopper with your cart? Or did you bump into the other person also in line on purpose? If not, then why are you sorry for something you didn’t do intentionally? Wouldn’t a more appropriate response have been to say, “Pardon me.”, or “Excuse me.”?
Maybe when we say sorry, we should be using the word as a form of acknowledgement of a momentary character/behavior short-coming for something we said or did that we knew we shouldn’t have, or that unintentionally affected someone negatively. We also say sorry as a means of expressing sympathy and conveying emotional support when someone suffers a lose. If we say sorry for every trivial instance, does the word become devalued or lose meaning? Many might argue no, it doesn’t, and it’s a form of social politeness. Or has it become a subconscious reaction we don’t really think about?
As a parent, it’s important to recognize when we should apologize to our children. Anyone who has children knows, at times, it can be one of the more frustrating experiences of our lives. And when we look back at those frustrating instances, how many times did we say something, or reacting in a manner in which we wish we hadn’t? I recently experienced one of these instances with my youngest daughter. I was working on some programming code, mentally focused as I worked through a conditional logic function. My daughter came out of her room, asking if I could assist her with some of her homework. I was immediately thrown out of focus… on one hand, I didn’t want to be interrupted because I was tracing through the conditional logic and didn’t want to lose my progress; but on the other hand, my daughter was asking for my help and that’s where my focus needed to be.
When it comes to my youngest daughter, I hope she doesn’t decide to become an air traffic controller… let’s just say clear communication isn’t her strong point. I asked her what she was working on and needed help with and she handed me a worksheet that had maybe a dozen questions on it, some she already answered, and she said, “This….” I glanced at her with a “Could you be a little more vague?” look on my face and said, “Which questions are you struggling with?” Her response, “Several of them.” You can see how this was going… so I told her she needed to be more specific and tell me which question(s), and what specifically she was having a hard time with. She selected one of the questions but didn’t say anything else and just looked at me. I began to get frustrated because I felt like I was having to drag the information out of her. I asked her again what she was struggling with regarding the specific question she pointed out and all she said was, “The teacher didn’t really explain it.” My frustration increased and my tone became a bit harsher, I asked if she attempted to email her teacher for clarification. She simply replied with, “She probably wouldn’t reply if I did.” At this point I lite into her and told her she needed to take initiative and be proactive and not lean on excuses. Things transitioned from assisting her with homework into more of a lesson on the process of problem solving. She acknowledged she understood what the question was asking, but didn’t know what to put for her answer. I asked what she was using for references in order to formulate an answer, and she said she didn’t know what to use for references. Her apparent lack of effort resulted in my “un-parental” reaction… I told her she had plenty of references; class text book, printed reading assignment, the internet. I told her it appeared she was just being lazy and to make an actual effort to answer the question before asking for help. At which point, she returned to her room to finish her homework.
After a few minutes had passed, and my frustration subsided, I began to examine my interaction with my daughter. I reminded myself that this has been an academically challenging year for her. All of her classes except two are either advanced placement or honors level classes, and it’s not uncommon for her to be working on homework until 10:00 pm almost every night. I also reminded myself that there have been times when she would burn herself out because sometimes she needs to be reminded to take brakes. I recognized that I should have reacted differently and that I missed the signs that she was reaching burnout because of how she was responding to my questions when she asked for help. At that point, I should have told her to take a break for a bit and let her mind decompress, but I had been too distracted by my own project and desire to return to it to recognize the signs…. apple and the tree?
I knew I owed her an apology, but waited until she came out of her room for a break. When she eventually did, I told her I was sorry for how I was earlier and that I didn’t mean to appear frustrated with her. She said it was ok, but I told her it was important that I apologize because I shouldn’t have responded the way I did. I wanted her to know that she can come to me whenever she needs help and not be worried that I will get frustrated if she does. I gave her a hug and told her I felt bad because she should expect better from me. She again said, “It’s ok.”
As parents, we are going to have moments like this and when they occur, it’s important that we recognize them, and when appropriate, apologize. When we recognize we owe our children and apology, and we do, it does several things. It says our initial reaction wasn’t their fault. It also communicates to them that we aren’t perfect and that we make mistakes too. When we apologize to our children it can also strengthen the parent-child bond because the act of apologizing is a display of respect to them as a person. There have been times when my daughter has been with her mom, yet she has called me to ask a question or two about a class assignment. I’d like to think it’s because she has seen how I treat her as a person and that she knows she can come to me when she needs help.
If this seemed a bit long-winded… I’m sorry? 😉