This particular topic has been something I’ve been internally examining for a while now. I began to notice a change in my daughters’ personality over a year ago, but questioned if it was just the result of adjusting to the high school environment and being a teenager. For the past couple of years, it has been just my youngest daughter and me, and the changes in her personality seem to have become a bit distant and indifferent to many of the things she use to be interested in and enjoy. For those reading this, the initial thought might be it sounds like she could have some degree of depression. I admit, I questioned that in the beginning, but don’t believe that to be the case.
When my daughters were younger, I would plan surprise trips every summer. It all started one year when I asked them both where they would like to go on a summer trip. They discussed ideas with each other, and eventually replied, “Surprise us.” From that point on, every summer I would plan a trip and my daughters never knew when or where until they saw their travel bags laying on their beds. Since it’s now just my youngest daughter and me, I thought she would enjoy our summer trips even more since it was just the two of us. Last year, as summer was approaching, I asked her if she had any preferences where she would like to go for our summer trip, or if there were any particular things she would like to do. I was a bit surprised and disappointed when she said, “Not really.” There wasn’t any sense of excitement or emotion in her voice, it was very monotone. In the past, when I would plan our summer trips, I would plan them around the personalities of my daughters, what each of them liked and didn’t like. In the beginning it was easy because my daughters were just excited to be going some place new and do things they had never done before. But as my youngest daughter got older, she seemed less interested in doing things, and that made my planning process more challenging. I thought this time she would have been looking forward to a summer trip because it would be just the two of us and our trip could be centered on her interests and what she would like to do. Despite her professed lack of interest, I did plan a summer trip, and we visited her older sister whom she hadn’t seen in over a year since joining the military. It was a good trip and I could see glimpses of her younger self emerge as she explored the surroundings when we went on day excursions.
Earlier, when I said I don’t think depression is an issue, I’m basing that on the fact that she has friends she occasionally does things with and she does have things she is interested in and enjoys. Academically she is doing really well and has said she is looking forward to several of her classes next school year. Maybe it’s me, and I’m having struggles because her personality is so vastly different from her older sister. Now I’m not OCD by any means, but I do like to keep the house “tidy”… the quote marks are to imply there is a certain degree of organized clutter in certain parts of the house; but for the most part, it’s presentable and I wouldn’t be embarrassed if someone showed up unannounced. My youngest daughter on the other hand… I once asked her if she didn’t like the carpeting in her room, or if she would like to get a small area rug for her room. She said no and that the carpeting was fine, and asked why I asked her. I told her she had so many clothes on the floor you could hardly see the carpet, and I thought maybe she didn’t like it. I’m not implying her floor is completely covered, but if I were to guess, I’d say there is probably and equal amount of clothing on her floor as there are in her dresser. Sensing my light-hearted sarcasm, she looked at me with a “Are you done?” look on her face, and acknowledged she needed to straighten up her room. A couple weeks later and it looked like she only re-arranged some of the clothing-carpet in her room… It’s not a hill worth dying on so I don’t make a big deal about it; after all, it is her room and she has to deal with it. It just seems as though she is indifferent to the appearance of her room and how messy it is.
With respect to her interests… this year she has taken art as one of her elective subjects and she has really excelled. Her teacher recently told me my daughter is one of her best students and suggested she submit one of her projects in a school district art competition. When I see some of the things my daughter draws or paints, I’m so impressed because drawing stick-figures is about the extent of my art skills. Seeing her focus so intently as she works on her art projects, watching as they transform from simple sketch outlines into the final outcome, I just want to support and encourage her interest as much as possible.
Art is something that she enjoys and her interests go beyond just the mechanics of it. She also finds the history behind the artists and their influences, and period of time interesting; and it’s not uncommon for her to tell me about the new things she has learned. It’s moments like these that I look forward to… I can see and hear her joy as we talk.
Regarding the changes with my daughter, I question how much of it is due to the environment when she is at her mother’s house. This past week when I picked her up after school at the beginning of our time together, I could sense something was bothering her. I didn’t immediately ask, but instead asked how school was going and if she had a lot of homework to do over the weekend. After catching up on her school activities, my daughter paused, and then began to tell me about incidents she had had with her mother during the week.
My daughter participates in an International Cultures club at school, and occasionally the group meets at restaurants that reflect the particular culture they are focusing on at the moment. She said the issues began earlier in the week while at a Vietnamese restaurant her International Cultures club was meeting at. She said she was sitting in a booth with her mother next to others from the club, when her mother began behaving rude non-verbally to the others in the club. She asked her mother what was wrong, and was simply told, “Nothing.” My daughter said on the way home she again asked her mother what was wrong, and that was when things turned…. She said her mother told her the other kids were being loud and disruptive and had no respect for anyone else at the restaurant. My daughter said she was puzzled by that because the group was simply discussing the culture and foods they were eating. When she tried to explain that to her mother, she said her mother began talking over her and telling her to shut up. She said at one point her mother yelled at her, “Shut up, just shut the $uck up!” My daughter said it didn’t end there…
She proceeded to tell me that later in the week, her mother brought the incident up again. She said her mother continued commenting about the other kids in the club being rude and disrespectful. My daughter said she tried to explain to her mother they were merely discussing the culture and that they were her friends; at which point her mother became more hostile and told her she didn’t have any friends. My daughter said she was shocked by what her mother said to her and couldn’t understand why any mother would say something like that to their kid. I told my daughter that none of it was her or her friends’ fault, and that her mother reacts to things differently and doesn’t see things the same way most other people do. We talked briefly about it and my daughter recalled several instances from the past when her mother had acted in a similar manner. I explained to her that before her older sister left, her mother would direct that behavior towards her sister; and now that she is gone, maybe her mother is directing it at her now. I didn’t want my daughter to dwell on it, she had an entire week away from that environment and I wanted her to be able to relax and put it behind her, so I let the conversation end there.
My daughter has said she spends most of her time in her bedroom when she is at her mothers so she doesn’t have to interact with her. I worry that my daughter is developing a personality of indifference as a result of the things her mother says and does, as a means of shutting it out. I can tell that the environment at her mothers affects how my daughter interacts with me, though I don’t think she is aware of it. My daughter only has a couple more years of school, at which time she will be free to make her own decisions and do what she feels will be best for herself. Until that time, I will continue to encourage her and support her interests, and provide her an environment that is free of personal attacks and hostility, and to let her know that I am proud of her and that I believe in her. And of course, I will continue to do my best to create light-hearted moments with terrible dad jokes… and if she rollers her eyes after one of them, I’ve done my job.