Being a father has been the greatest experience of my life. And like all great experiences, it hasn’t come without a price. For those who have read one of my first posts, you will recall my ex-wife was identified as having Borderline Personality. The unpredictable and often hostile behavior my daughters have been subjected to over the years has definitely had an impact on their personalities as they have grown.
Studies have indicated that families with multiple children where one of the parents has Borderline Personality, that parent will view one of the children as a favorite that can do no wrong and another who is a constant problem and gets blamed for practically everything. In the case of my daughters, it has been obvious that my ex-wife has viewed our youngest daughter as the favorite and the oldest as the perceived problem and one to blame. I have seen the affect this has had on their personalities as they have grown over the years. When they are with their mom, my youngest daughter gets treated to all-day shopping trips without her sister being included. Their mom will spend several hundred dollars during these shopping excursions on whatever she wants. Her mom also won’t hold her accountable and as a result she tends to be a bit lackadaisical and procrastinates. When my daughters are with me, my youngest spends most of her time in her room watching videos and streaming programs. When I tell her to take a break from technology she still tends to stay in her room. My oldest daughter has told me her sister does the same thing when they are at their mom’s because it’s the easiest way to avoid the unpredictable behavior of their mom. As for my oldest daughter, in the eyes of her mom, she could never do anything right and on the rare occasions when she would receive a compliment from her it would be short-lived and often followed by a negative comment. When my oldest would struggle academically with one of her classes, her mom would often tell her she wasn’t going to waste money for college on a failure. Or when she would express an interest in a possible career, her mom would make comments about how she shouldn’t waste her time dreaming because she isn’t smart enough to do something like that. I have seen how it has affected her self confidence and self image.
Fast-forward over six years since the divorce and my daughters spending time split between two very different environments, I have seen gradual changes for the better in my daughters behavior and personalities. When we are together, my youngest will still spend time on a mobile device but she will be in the living room more frequently where her sister and I are. This often results in spontaneous conversations with her that otherwise wouldn’t occur if she were in her bedroom. Because I don’t force her to be in the living room it indicates to me that she is more comfortable in this environment and doesn’t feel the need to isolate herself in her room. She will also help around the house without being asked which tells me she enjoys being here and wants to contribute. As for my oldest daughter, I have witnessed her self confidence grow and develop the courage to stand up for herself and pursue goals, which is the inspiration for this post.
Ever since the divorce I have tried to create an environment for my daughters that is predictable, supportive, and healthy, not just physically, but also mentally. For my oldest daughter, that has consisted of reassuring her that not everything is her fault; explaining to her that she is capable of accomplishing amazing things; discussing what her goals are and encouraging her to achieve them, and reminding her to be true to herself and her values.
Originally my oldest daughter planned to go to college right after high school and get a degree in biology with the hopes of having a career involving the environment and animals in some capacity. That however doesn’t seem to be an option because her mom has repeatedly made comments stating she has no intention of using the money in the college fund for her education. As a result, my daughter has decided to pursue the military as an option to achieve her college goals. Of course when she mentioned this to her mom, she was met with predictable negativity, comments about how she would never make it. As her dad it’s not my place to dictate her future to her, it’s my job to make myself available to talk with her when asked; to discuss the pros and cons of whatever the topic might be, and ultimately allow her to make her own decisions and to support her in those decisions. She is about to turn 18 and as that milestone has gotten closer, the hostility and negativity from her mom has intensified. For a couple of months I noticed a change in her, she would appear physically and emotionally drained when she would first arrive from her mom’s. As her dad it is a helpless feeling because I know first hand what she has been subjected to and experiences in that environment. I just can’t imaging what it is like for her, at her age and having it come from a person who should be encouraging and supporting her.
The recently when my daughters were here, my oldest daughter had finally had enough and told me she didn’t want to go back to her mom’s at the end of the week. I asked why she was wanting to make this decision now, at this particular time. She told me it isn’t a healthy environment at her mom’s and that she needs to be in a better place in order to be successful and achieve her goals. She also told me that for two days her mom had been sending her text messages telling her she has been brainwashed into pursuing a desire to join the military and that it isn’t really what she wants to do and that she’ll never make it anyway. Those messages where followed by more, stating she will not be allowed to take any of her things from her mom’s house if she does and that she if she leaves before she is 18, she would sue me. I asked her what she wanted and she said she was tired of being told those things and that she wanted to stay here with me permanently. She told me there were a few things at her mom’s she would like to keep and wanted to know how she would be able to get them. I told her I would contact an attorney and find out what the options were. The attorney said since she will be 18 soon, she didn’t have to go back to her mom’s if she didn’t want to. I told my daughter and we decided the best thing to do would be for her to go back to her mom’s at the end of the week and to contact me as soon has her mom went out and I would come over to get her and she could bring her personal items with her. This seemed to put her as ease a little and I could tell by how she squeezed me when she gave me a hug.
Over the next couple of days while she was still with me, the negative text messages continued. Her mom was making claims she was telling people negative things about her and that she was very disappointed in her after all of the things she has done to support her; followed by messages stating her mom’s home was the only place she truly wanted to be and the only place she is really happy. Keep in mind, nothing had been said to her mom about not wanting to be there any longer. Despite receiving these messages, she seemed to be dealing with them in a better way and I can only suspect it’s because she decided she would not subject herself to that environment any longer. During this entire time nothing was mentioned to her younger sister of her intention and I asked my oldest daughter how she thought she should handle that. She told me it would depend on the situation when she left… did her mom go out and leave them both home together or did her sister go with her mom.
The end of the week arrived and she returned to her mom’s. That evening my oldest daughter messaged me saying her mom was planning to go shopping on Saturday. I told her to just let me know and I would be there for her. On Saturday my daughter contacted me saying her mom had just left to go shopping and her sister went with her. I headed straight over and picked her up. As we drove away I could see her eyes watering and I asked if she was ok… she said she was so glad she didn’t have to be in that environment any more.
On the way home we stopped and got her a new cell phone. We knew based on her mom’s past behavior with her daughter from her first marriage, she would turn the phone off once she discovered she was no longer there. Throughout the day however, her mom was messaging with her while she was out shopping. Around 4:00 PM her mom sent her a message that simply asked, “Did you leave?” My daughter replied, “Yes.” and there were no further messages from her mom. Later in the evening I suggested my daughter message her mom and let her know she intended to stay here permanently because it was the proper thing to do. After informing her mom, later that evening around 8:30 PM the police showed up at the door. The officer asked if my daughter was here because her mom had reported her as a run-away and claimed she had not heard from her all day. We explained to the officer that my daughter had been communicating with her mom throughout the day and had also sent her a message about her decision to stay here. I informed the officer that if her mom was claiming she was a run-away, she never made an effort to contact me asking if I knew where she was. My daughter showed the officer the series of messages from earlier in the day along with the one informing her mom she intended to stay here from now on. We could tell the officer was frustrated because what he was originally told was now proven to be untrue.
After the police officer left, my daughter said she didn’t regret her decision because her mom knew where she was and it was obvious she was trying to portray her as a problem child. A little while later my daughter started getting automated messages on the phone her mom provided; indicating her cell phone service had been shut off; that her account information had been changed; that she had been removed from the cloud data storage service; that she was removed from the family music plan and other shared services.
It has been almost two weeks since my daughter made her decision and her mom has made no effort to contact either of us. I know this has been a difficult decision for her to make but she has overcome her self doubt and insecurity. She is starting a new chapter in her life and defining it and herself on her own terms. She reads quotes from The Daily Stoic and recently she read the following to me and I wonder if it possibly gave her the courage… “How long are you going to wait before you demand the best for yourself? – Epictetus”
Seeing my daughter’s transformation has been an uplifting experience. As parents we want our children to grow up to be self confident; to have courage to face difficult situations; to be compassionate towards others, and to know family is there, if needed, during difficult times.